How I'm Craving You by GrrRawrRainbow
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all associated characters belong to J.K. Rowling and others. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
This story archived at http://www.snarry.net/viewstory.php?sid=329
Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Chapter 2: Chapter 2
Chapter 3: Chapter 3
Chapter 4: Chapter 4
Chapter 5: Chapter 5
Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Author's Notes: This isn't set in any of the books or any specific timeline it is just something i came up with and didn't really worry about that much.
"What are you whining about Potter?" he spat. I crumpled further into my protective ball hoping that the spiteful Slytherin would just leave me alone as I sobbed into my cut up hands.
"Aww look guys, little pussy Potter is crying."
I flinched at the remark, the hateful blond boy that I had always hated, loomed over me in a way that told me the beating wasn't over. I saw a dark figure out of the corner of my eye and before I could call for help I was kicked in the stomach.
Draco pulled my head back by my hair, "He's mine Potter! You'll never have him!" he growled in a sharp whisper. I whimpered. "Just so you don't miss out though, I'm going to give you what he gives me every night."
My eyes widened and I struggled to get away but he quickly stopped me with a spell and I couldn't move my legs. He flipped me onto my stomach and pulled down the back of my pants I choked on new tears as he forced himself into me roughly. I cried out uselessly as I felt the blood trickle down my legs.
Who would have thought that I, Harry Potter, would be here, unable to move my legs, being raped by this dirty Slytherin, all because of a rumor, the fact that it was true didn't matter, it was still just a rumor to everyone. I stayed silent, what use was it to scream now? No one was going to save me. I lay there; still unable to move because of the curse, tears streaming down my eyes. Then I felt his seed shoot into my ass as he came. He lifted the curse after he was dressed and left me laying there.
I woke up with tears running down my face from the horrible flashback of a dream. I needed help, and I needed it bad, three months! Three months, and I still hadn't gotten any better mentally. I just wanted to forget. I knew who the figure had been, it had been Snape, the man I loved, the man I wanted to be with so bad, but he had only acted as if he hadn't noticed, but he did almost immediately end his and Draco's relationship.
I knew not to hope. He didn't do it to be with me, he did it because he had had sex with someone else, whether I had consented or not wouldn't have mattered. I flinched as an, obviously, male hand was on my back to comfort me.
"Harry, please, calm down."
I turned to Ron and managed a small smile. I still hadn't told him what had happened. I supposed he figured it out though, I avoided touching people, guys especially, if at all possible. I even shuddered away when Severus touched me. I didn't deserve him now, now when I wasn't pure for him. I hated myself so much, but I couldn't talk about it.
It was time to get up anyway so I climbed out of bed and got dressed. I always hated going to potions class now, Draco was always sitting between my desk and Snape's, all of the class period he would tell me how he and Severus had reconciled their differences and were fucking in Snape's quarters every night. I didn't want to believe it, but no matter what I wished Severus well; how I craved his love, I wanted it, but I couldn't accept it, I was chilled by any masculine touch ever since that night.
Hermione finally broke down and begged me to tell her what was wrong.
"Just tell me, Harry," she would beg, and I would just shake my head no and look away.
"Harry, I know something awful happened, if you tell me I can help you."
"You can't help me Hermione! If I thought it would help I would tell the world to make it better, but it won't help me now!"
At the tone in my voice she turned away hurt when she had only wanted to help. I didn't care I just wanted to die, to forget everything. I didn't sleep well because of the nightmares, I didn't eat because I couldn't bear to look up in the Great Hall to do so for fear of seeing the hate-filled gaze of Severus, I was failing my classes, and I couldn't even come up with the strength to get up every morning without the help of Ron, who was starting to feel as put off as Hermione.
Life, simply put, was hell. I was afraid that he could come for me again even without the rumors circulating. I was always looking over my shoulder, but who could I tell who would understand? Nobody. They wouldn't care; it would just be more gossip to bury me alive. I felt suffocated and there was only one way out.
That night I took out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote a letter to Ron and Hermione, thanking them for always being there, one to my aunt, uncle, and cousin, telling them how they had made my existence hell, but thanking them for shaping me to be a stronger person, and finally one to Severus.
It cut me deep to write his, I spilled everything out to him, the whole night of my rape, what had been said, the beating before hand, how he had done nothing to help, but also how much I loved him, even though he let it happen, how I could never hate him, and how I would miss him.
I left them all in my drawer except for Severus's letter, I burned it. I needed to tell him everything face to face; I needed that closure before I was gone. I crept to his rooms and stopped short before knocking.
"You think I give a damn if you're sorry?! If I've told you once I've told you a million times, I will not forgive you for what you did!"
Severus was pissed at someone, but they had yet to speak.
"You know that little pussy Potter deserved it, he was going to take you away from me!"
Draco, of course he would think I deserved it...
"That would have been my choice as well! Have you ever been raped?"
There was a pause. He must have shaken his head.
"I didn't think so. It is hell, you never forget it, and you never fully get over it. Now, get out!"
I heard something smash against the hard brick wall of the dungeon. I quickly wrapped my invisibility cloak around me so that he wouldn't see me. Malfoy exited the room, his eyes puffy from crying, shards of glass in his arm from whatever had hit the wall. I slid quietly into the room before the door closed.
In the room, the brick walls were draped with green and silver silk. I large black bed with green covers and silver pillows occupied the center of the room, rows upon rows of books adorned the eastern wall. Scattered around the room were books form the shelves and ingredients for potion making. In the south-western corner was a work bench for preparing potions, while the north-western corner was dominated by a black couch and matching loveseat.
Snape lay shirtless across that couch with his hands over his face. I sucked in a quick quiet breath as I looked at the toned planes of his pale body. He looked over my way and I couldn't breathe.
He got up and walked over toward me.
"The cloak makes you invisible Mr. Potter; however I can still smell your cologne and hear you breathing."
I slowly shed my cloak, letting it fall to the ground. I looked down, not being able to meet his eyes. Everything I had wanted to say disappeared from my mind. I couldn't bring the words to my lips, it was too hard to try to say goodbye. He spoke as I tried to think of something to say.
"I know what he did to you. I should have stopped it, and I know you must hate me for letting it happen. If I could do it over again, I would have helped you."
He pulled me into a cautious hug. I cringed and then snuggled into his embrace. Even though he was too old for me, to special for me and had never shown me any kindness until this moment, I knew that my soul mate had to live in there somewhere, and that was why I could never get him out of my head, even if I had wanted to.
Back to index
Chapter 2: Chapter 2I looked up into his dark eyes and my legs turned to mush. For the first time in months I smiled, it was just a little and leaned up to kiss his cheek, but he gently caught my face and turned it to keep looking into his eyes.
“You, Mister Potter, need someone to talk to before you do something we’ll both regret, and I am here to listen.”
I looked down at my feet remembering the reason I had come to his room. He cupped my cheek again pulling my face back up.
“You were going to weren’t you?”
A tear rolled down my cheek and a nodded. He sighed.
“Then why did you come here?”
“I wanted to tell you that I love you, and that I could never blame you for what happened.”
My words were barely a whisper. He gently raised my lips to his and kissed me cautiously. I kissed back softly, melting into his arms, feeling safe and relaxed for once. I never wanted to leave. I just wanted to stay here and feel whole again. He broke our kiss and I nestled my face into the crook of his neck.
“Do you feel better now, Mr. Potter?”
I smiled a little as he ran his fingers through my hair. I yawned and he shifted to look at my face. I was so tired; I hadn’t slept properly in a while. He opened his mouth to say something, but then paused, rethinking what he’d been about to say. I looked up hopefully.
“Do you want to stay with me tonight?”
“But… what if Dumbledore finds out?”
“He’s been trying to find a way to get you back to a somewhat normal state. I don’t believe he’d object to a good night’s sleep for once.”
So he led me to the big bed I described before, laying down and holding his arms open to me. I happily cuddled into his protective embrace and he wrapped us up in the silky sheets.
I slept all through the night for once in months. I dreamed about the good old days before the rape, before I became broken and worthless. I wanted to feel like that again. I felt Severus shift in his sleep and mumble something that I though sounded like a whispered “I love you.”
My heart soared and hope swelled, but I knew not to get my hopes up, he didn’t love me, he had loved my mother, and he was probably just dreaming about her. I blocked out thoughts of him not loving me. He arms tightened around me pulling me closer to him. His scent was intoxicating, and his warmth inviting. I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of fear that he would take advantage of me, but my fear was irrational.
I woke up the next morning and felt those powerful arms still wrapped protectively around me. I twisted to that I was facing him. His usually stress-contorted face was peaceful. I kissed his lips softly and he stirred a little pulling me closer to him again.
“Hmm, I love you Harry.”
He kissed the top of my head. I kissed his bare chest and sighed contently, I smile plastered to my face.
“I love you too Severus.”
I looked over to the clock; almost time for classes to start. I kissed his lips softly to wake him up. His eyes fluttered open and he kissed back softly, rubbing my arms. I didn’t want to get up; I didn’t want to lose the only closeness I’d ever have to this man, but I had to get ready and so did he, so we got up. He pulled out a Slytherin uniform and cast a spell changing it from silver and green to red and yellow and the Slytherin crest to a Gryffindor crest then handed it to me. It was rather old from the feel of it, but it looked like it would fit.
I pulled on the uniform and went to his bathroom to fix my hair. He walked in and wrapped his arms around my waist kissing my neck softly.
“We must act like nothing has changed Mr. Potter.”
My eyes widened. I didn’t want to go back to being that numb shell, I loved feeling again. He looked at my face in the mirror.
“I didn’t mean that we couldn’t do this again, or that you had to be scared again.”
I let out a sigh of relief. I turned and snuggled into his arms and kissed him softly. I wasn’t really ready to face the world without him, but I knew I couldn’t put it off much longer.
“Now none of that, outside of class call me Severus.”
“Severus, did you mean it when you said you loved me?”
“Of course I did,” he cupped my chin and gazed into my eyes for a moment, “and never think any different.”
I smiled, “But, what about Draco?”
He shook his head sighing. I couldn’t tell if it was because he hadn’t thought about him, or if it was because he’d thought too much, but it was obvious that he was unhappy about the mention of the sarcastic blonde.
“He can go get himself eaten by trolls for all I care.”
I giggled a little and then looked at the time. I needed to hurry and get to class as did Severus, not so weird to think his name, since I always had, but actually calling him by it at times like these would be awkward for a while.
I rushed into my last class of the day, Potions, and took the same seat as always and waited for Severus to come to start the class. I had completely forgotten about Draco and was beaming with happiness for once, and then he walked in and sat harshly down in his usual place with his arm still a little scared from its injuries.
“What the hell are you so happy about Potter?”
I lost a little bit of my joy and shrunk back from his viciousness.
“Guess what I did all night Potter,” he whispered so nobody else could hear, “I fucked Snape all night long.”
I acted hurt and turned away before smiling like an idiot. He had been lying from the start and that made me feel better. Severus walked in and slammed a book down, making everyone jump.
“Take out your potions books and turn to page 132. Read the directions carefully and clean up after you’re done.”
I flipped my book open and made the assigned potion before bottling it and turning it in.
“Mr. Potter, if there a reason you’ve made the wrong potion?”
“I didn’t, see!”
I turned my book around.
“That is the wrong page, I said page 132, not 123; however, you have brewed a very nice batch of Amortentia, of course, you know we have no need for love potions here at Hogwarts, so you will be given no credit for this assignment.”
A smug smirk adorned Malfoy’s face. I just smiled knowing it was all an act, and that tonight I’d be happily snuggled into Severus’ arms. I cleaned up my area and class was soon dismissed. I went about the rest of my day in a much better mood and Ron and Hermione noticed.
“What had you in such a good mood, Harry?” Hermione asked.
“I don’t know; it’s just such a nice day out.”
“Well where were you last night?”
I turned to Ron who had asked.
“I was just not feeling good; I stayed in the bathroom almost all night.”
“Oh, ok, but you’re feeling better now?”
I nodded and we walked to our common room and washed up before going down to dinner. I actually ate for once and accidentally caught myself looking at Severus a few times before dinner was over.
Soon it was time for us to go on up to bed. I pulled on my sleep pants and a white tank top and waited for everyone to fall asleep before slipping out to go back to Severus.
Back to index
Chapter 3: Chapter 3I walked quietly under my cloak and caught Severus on his way back to his quarters from patrolling the halls. I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He froze for a moment and felt the arms around him, and then grabbed my hand pulling me around to the front of him.
"What are you doing out of bed Mr. Potter?"
I smiled innocently and gave him a quick peck on the lips. He gave a half smile half smirk and leaned in close to whisper into my ear.
"Were you coming to sleep with me again Mr. Potter?"
"Maybe, or maybe I didn't want to sleep."
I nibbled his ear softly getting a soft sigh of a moan in response.
"I don't think you're ready to do anything sexual Mr. Potter."
"I think I am, and enough of this 'Mr. Potter' business, please just call me Harry."
"Don't avoid the subject boy. You may think you are ready to try something, but I don't believe that you are."
I snuggled into the crook of his neck again and sighed as I felt his powerful arms wrap around me.
"I trust you to stop if I realize that."
He held me closer and kissed the top of my head. I looked up for a response. He smiled a little and led me to his rooms. My heart was beating so fast I thought it might burst out of my chest. When we entered his room he led me slowly to his bed, getting me to lie down as he kissed my lips softly and carefully.
"Are you sure you want this?"
"I'm sure that I want you Sev."
With that he kissed my lips again, trailing down my jaw line to my neck and nibbling at my collarbone. I bit back a moan as I felt his hand cupping my now erect member. I ran my hand clumsily down between us shaking nervously as I did the same for him, heavens was he big!
He shifted so that our hips were even and thrust against me teasing me with the feel of his cock on mine through our clothes. I groaned as he ground against me more before carefully undressing me. He started to undress himself, but I stopped him so I could have the pleasure of doing so. I was shaking so much I had trouble unbuttoning his pants and robes, but I finally got them off.
His eyes were on me and I felt a blush heat up on my cheeks. I flipped him onto his back and kissed his chest and down his body before coming face to face with his erection. Timidly, I licked it from base to head and was rewarded by a throaty moan that escaped his lips.
Confidence restored I took him little by little into my mouth until he stopped me to kiss me gently before laying me on my back. He pulled a vial of lube out of the table beside the bed and pulled off the stopper. I started to shake as he rubbed it around my entrance and he took my hand in his free one and kissed it to reassure me. I relaxed a little but as soon as he started to put a finger in all I could think about was the rape and I pulled away from him as tears welled up in my eyes.
He took a blanket and wrapped it around me and held me close to him; trying to calm my hysteria and quiet my sobs. He kissed my forehead and used a spell to clean off the lube for fear of touching me and making things worse. He grabbed my boxers up and his shirt for me to put on while pulling on his underwear and sleep pants. Just as he got his pants on there was a knock on the door. He kissed my hand and went to answer it.
He cracked the door a little and looked out.
"Hey Sevvy, can we talk?"
"We've nothing to talk about Draco, and you no longer have any right to call me that."
My heart sank as I heard that it was Malfoy. I got up and crept up behind Severus.
"I thought I heard you crying, but I must have been mistaken."
"Indeed Mr. Malfoy, now I suggest you make your way back to bed before I have to deduct points from Slytherin."
I grabbed his hand and stayed behind him whimpering. He turned his head and smiled softly.
"Go lay back down love, I'll be there in a second to hold you while you sleep."
I nodded and went back to the bed and sat on the end waiting for him.
"Love? Who's in there Sevvy?"
"That is none of you business Mr. Malfoy; now you should really go before a give you another scar on your arm."
He pushed past Severus just enough to see me before he was thrown to the hard dungeon floor.
I'd never seen Severus get so violent and I couldn't say that I liked it. Draco got up and walked away with more tears in his eyes and I almost felt sorry for him, but only almost before he turned and glared at me.
"You'll regret this Potter!"
Severus slammed the door and came back to me.
"You've nothing to worry about love; he'll never lay another hand on you. Not while I'm around."
Back to index
Chapter 4: Chapter 4
Author's Notes: I know it's short but there's more to come.
I shuddered as sobs wracked my body; I was going to regret it, that's what he said. I couldn't suppress my fear. Severus pulled me close, reassuring me that he wouldn't let Draco hurt me while he was around. While he was around, he wasn't around all of the time! I was away from him for the majority of my week. I saw him at meals and in potions class, but Draco could haunt my existence outside of that easily.
I was having a panic attack; I could feel it coming on hard. He shook me, "Nothing is going to happen to you Harry, I swear."
I couldn't articulate a response. I was still panicking. I tried to calm down, to even out my breathing. I had to stop this. I needed to protest this idea that he could protect me. He couldn't stop this from happening to me again. It would happen again; it was only a matter of time before he caught me alone again.
I got to my feet, still beyond words. I pulled on my cloak and bolted for Gryffindor tower. He didn't come after me. I got back into my bed and pulled myself into a ball' I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning I couldn't eat, I was racked with fear and worry. I jumped at every sound. I didn't see Severus or Draco at all in the Great Hall. My mind assumed the worst; they were working it out. I was nothing to him. I should have known; damn I should have known. How could I be so stupid?
Nobody asked what was wrong. Nobody ever asked anymore. The-Boy-Who-Lived was a spaz, a wreck. Who the hell would care anymore? It was the norm now for me to be quiet and keep to myself now. Then I saw Malfoy come into the Hall; he had tears running down his face. Severus walked in and took his place at the staff table; his face was impassive. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.
Hope dared to flutter ever so lightly in my stomach. I glanced at Slytherin table and instantly wished I hadn't. If looks could kill I'd be dead. He was staring right at me. He smirked, 'I'll kill you,' he mouthed.
I shot a desperate look at Severus. He inclined his head in recognition. I calmed down, turned back to the Slytherin table and smirked right to his face; I didn't need to worry about Draco Malfoy anymore. He was suddenly just a school bully, and I had someone much more powerful on my side.
Back to index
Chapter 5: Chapter 5
Author's Notes: This chapter starts in Severus Snape's POV and changes to Harry's around the middle somewhere. (just avoiding confusion)
I slammed Draco against the wall, "Threaten him again and I'll make your life hell! Do you understand?"
He started to cry; tears were running down his face. There was a time when I would have given a shit; I would have felt bad and coddled him. Not anymore, what he did was inexcusable. To hurt someone like that and not even care was insane. He tried to act like the victim. He tried to make me pity him.
"It wasn't me fault, Severus, I thought he would steal you and now he has!"
"He didn't steal me; you threw away what we had when you decided to cheat on me and in the process rape someone. Do you see what you did? Do you understand what that does to a person?"
He looked away; he had never known hardship. He had dealt with some verbal abuse from his father, but not this. He tried to struggle out of my hold. I slammed him against the wall again. He would have bruises all over his back and chest, but I didn't care. Even if I hadn't been secretly in love with Harry Potter before this, even if I wasn't falling in love with my sworn enemy more and more every day I would have still jumped to his defense. I lived with the same trauma, inflicted at the hands of the Dark Lord himself.
I let Malfoy go with the warning that if anything happened to Harry we would have another chat. As I stepped into the Great Hall I noticed Harry look up at me; I raised an eyebrow to acknowledge that I saw him. He looked toward Draco; his gaze snapped back to me. I could see the panic in his eyes. Was Draco really that stupid? I tilted my head slightly to show that I understood. I would take care of him; if he tried to lay a hand on Harry I would make sure he suffered.
I lay awake; I waited for Harry to come. When he didn't I worried for him. I left my rooms and swept the halls, looking for any sign that he was out of bed or in danger. I didn't see him anywhere. I returned to my rooms, worried that he was too afraid to leave his tower to see me. Damn Draco! I had Harry for potions in the morning; I would hold him after class to talk to him. He had to know that he was safe.
I walked to Gryffindor tower with Ron and Hermione at my side. I was somewhat elated. I wasn't scared for the first time in a long time. If my friends noticed they didn't say anything; they were probably scared to break my fragile happiness. My comfort was short lived. A first year, who looked thoroughly scared, handed me a crumpled piece of paper and scampered away quickly. I shoved it in my pocket quickly so as not to draw more attention to it.
Once in the privacy of my four-poster bed, curtains drawn shut, I dared to read what was written on the wrinkled piece of paper.
'If you leave your common room after curfew you die.
Shit! It was like a never ending nightmare. How could he know where I was if I left in the cloak? I couldn't chance it. It's funny how things change, just hours before I had been contemplating, no planning, to end my life myself. I no longer wanted to die. Severus had brought me back to myself ever to slightly. I wouldn't leave. I wasn't sure why Draco would warn me. Maybe he was testing Severus. Testing how much protection he could provide. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I went to sleep easily thinking about being in Severus' arms.
'I'll kill you,' the words echoed in my mind. The room was spinning. I couldn't move. I was on my knees, legs paralyzed by a spell. I cried out for Severus. Nobody came to my rescue. I felt Draco's cock penetrate me, violate my innocence. I felt the blood; again, I felt the ache in my torso from the beating. I couldn't breathe, I was suffocating in my terror.
I woke up gasping for air. The sun was close to rising; I got up and pulled on my uniform and robes. Potions were first thing this morning. I wasn't afraid; I wasn't filled with dread. I walked into the class with my head held high and ignored the hateful blond as he spewed his usual insults, plus a few threats. I was going to do well today. I was going to make a great potion and impress Severus.
Professor Snape, I would have to remember to refer to him correctly in class, stepped into the room. With a flick of his wand instructions for today's potion appeared at the front of the class. I worked in silence; it had to be perfect. I was going to impress him, even if he wouldn't, or couldn't, acknowledge such pride in me. I was almost done when Draco stealthily crept behind me, his hand brushing against my ass. I jumped; I barely suppressed a scream and knocked over my cauldron. Potion went everywhere, but I didn't notice I was in a ball in the floor. My heart rate was through the roof; my breathing was erratic and I couldn't calm myself. I was having another panic attack, in the middle of class this time. Oh shit, that thought didn't help me calm down.
Everyone was staring at me. Professor Snape was on his feet cleaning the mess. He helped me to my feet and gave me some Calming Draught. My breathing and heart rate returned to normal.
"Stay for a moment after class Mr. Potter. Mr. Malfoy, detention after dinner."
Class was over moments later. I stayed behind as I had been instructed. Once everyone was gone, Severus locked the door and set wards on it. He pulled me into his embrace.
"I'm so sorry Harry."
I buried my face in his chest. I wanted to believe he could protect me. I had deluded myself into thinking I was safe. I wasn't safe.
"Harry I will take care of it."
I couldn't respond. I didn't have the words. I was terrified into silence. Terrified of what the retaliation would be.
"I'll come to the Gryffindor tower tonight. I'll wait for you to come out and you can walk under the cloak with me back to my rooms."
I nodded weakly. I gathered my things and headed for my next class. Tonight I would be safe with Severus, I hoped. As I neared the classroom, I was grabbed from behind, a hand clamped over my mouth and with a spell I was immobilized. Not again! Merlin please not again, but there he was, a wild grin dominated his features. I told you I would make you regret messing with my Sevvy. He spit in my face and began to undo his trousers.
My brain was telling my mouth to scream for help, but the spell had shut down all movement. I managed a whimper as he stroked his hard cock. Why was this happening again? Why wasn't Severus here? Was it all a lie? Just then I felt Draco's now slick member brushing my entrance, his weight settled on my body as he prepared to ram into me, intending to cause as much pain as possible. I tried again to scream; again, I only managed a whimper.
Just then I felt his weight thrown off of me. My breathing was still erratic, I was hyperventilating; I blacked out.
Back to index